Today I found myself reading articles about mishaps in relationships. Why partners get angry so easily, why some of us take the aggression and deal with it, what makes our partner make us feel like a boxing bag? It got me to thinking where my head is, where my thoughts are while figuring out how I need to feel.
At some point I felt hurt, mad, and almost embarrassed that I let myself feel the emotions I should not be accepting. I feel so cut short for being able to express the things that I want to but dont do it just to avoid some argument. Infact I personally dont take it as an argument but taking it as working on communicating the dos and donts for future causes. I sort of want to take action to seek my old therapist again in times like these….but I’m trying my hardest to challenge myself to work around it.
What exactly is going on? Well … I feel unappreciated in a couple levels especially feeling unheard which leads to feeling misunderstood. The day closes and I feel as though I cannot reopen the issue because well whats the point? I do bad, I do good, I dont do good but I do bad again. I feel like a pretzel being twisted in directions while the knots continue to go around me. I know this isnt a good feeling so how do I get rid of it?
I want to talk to Mo when she is feeling open and is being sweet. I want to touchdown on the ” whys” more so than anything else. I want her to understand that I’m also in this relationship and I should be treated with respect. I start to get quiet when I know she is in the wrong and I refuse to be weak. I get quiet when she lashes out at me or starts pin pointing all my faults as though she has ZERO and Im already accepting defeat. How much more can I bare of this embarrassment? I shouldn’t take such hostility especially from someone who claims that they love me. I wouldn’t dare ever talking to her the way she talks to me. I know Im better than that but why cant she see it too?
For the most part I only feel this way when shes upset and its time for her to showcase everything that Im doing wrong. I can never say or express where she is at fault 100% of the time because it begins a ” I can never win with you” stem by her. When in reality… shes being very inconsiderate. I refuse to give up on her the countless times she has done me wrong with unreasonable motives. But she gives up on me in an instant, right there, right in front of me to assure me that she is in control and she doesnt need me. I begin to wonder what truth is really underneath it all? I guess thats the part that haunts me in the back of my mind. What triggers me is her usual ” The door is open. Im not stopping you. Leave. Im clearly not going to chase you. Im tired of this” iwhile its distressing to take because I want to reciprocate back due to my defenses building up; but I dont because I never have given up on her even the amount of times that I did want to leave…..but didn’t. Nobody deserves to be shoved like they are nothing while considering the amount of love, care, and hope they hold onto for someone they are in love with. Any kind of feedback she gives me right or wrong; I take it and grow from it. Just last month I got in a pickle with her thinking that I didnt want her going out and not accepting certain friends. Yesterday I began to talk about that certain friend and behold it became an issue when she got mad at me. When am I ever in the clear then? It seems impossible.
I then get an apology or I can sense that this anger of hers doesn’t really stem from me but from everything else around her. However in doing such thing, I already have been shut down emotionally by her and it has started to make me feel powerless and unwanted. This is where I begin to feel the things I first described in the post including the questions in my head.
Will I ever regain from this? I love her. I care for her dearly. I pain when shes not okay. I hurt when shes hurting. I have never felt this way about anyone before. The way I feel about Mo comes with pure sincerity. I want to show her how sweet Iam. How thoughtful Iam. How creative Iam. How much more I can give her…. but these little mishaps make me feel like Im not enough and maybe Im not whom she needs or wants…
I really hope that I’am wrong and I can feel assurance that this woman loves me unconditionally as I love her while accepting that we all have hurdles and maybe this one is a gigantic one. But I deserve some respect and stop being treated like a shitty person thats worth nothing.