You say, I only hear when I want to…

Dear Mo

I wish you stopped being pessismistic over our relationship. Why would I break up with you? Why cant you feel me? I have twisted and turned any kind of hurdle for us to be not only good but GREAT.  Why are you like this?

This just drains me because I dont want to deal with it.  So please try and have faith.

And since you keep talking about moving and buying a new house and youre afraid I dont want to be with you? Guess what? I DO.  Far or near…

-Jess

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Fly Twice As High

You went to jail today two years ago.

Youll only blame and guilt yourself over alcoholism but infact it was more than that. Your narcassitic character was beyond worse in the abuse I took from you too many times.

Some days I feel as though it was yesterday

Other days I completely forget you even existed.

After all this time you certainly stamped your ways onto me.

However until this day its been one hell of a journey. I wish I could erase you from the existance of my memory but I cannot.

I have gained so much out of this and have you to thank..

But today I wont dare feel pity for myself being stuck in a spider web with your poisonouse stains. Looking back and having those foggy moments.

Today I grow just a little bit more to realize I was a good person to you and I’am appreciated so much more in many deep levels by someone that loves me.

Today Iam GOOD.

-Jess

Keep in Check

Its Mos birthday this friday and we are celebrating at Universal Studios! So excited..

I know it has been awhile but today as I shopped at Target, ” Say It Isnt So” by Weezer came on and it literally always takes me back to April 9th 2016.

Sigh

-J

Enjoy Every Moment

Tell me, lover, are you lonely?
The thing we need is
Never all that hard to find

WELL it has certainly been awhile.

Reading my previous posts I definitely was going through something. Emotionally and perhaps mentally.  Thankfully I was able to hop back onto my seek therapist train and off I went…

Anna is back in Finland. She came to visit a week ago and unfortunately due to my Arizona trip with Mo; I was only able to spend two days with her. HOWEVER! Mo and Anna met and it truly was mesmerizing seeing my top two people I cherish in my life finally meet.

Will write later as Im at work typing some documents.

Flushed

Depression and Anxiety is one hell of a bitch.

Days ago I was emotionally unstable and it showed in my posts. I remember talking about all this when I met up with Vanessa this past Saturday and recognizing that I needed to start with what my therapist/psychiatrist offered me in order to regain some strength to pull forward.

I blamed a lot on Mo and cried so much thinking she didnt care or I was missing something in our relationship. My biggest error is always blaming myself for something and I guilt the whole situation by feeling isolation. Lack of sleep also did not help my imbalanced episodes either.

I love Mo and I know she loves me. Today we are taking our Moms to San Diego to attend a Killers concert.  Yesterday I let her know that I want to keep her in my life forever and she replied with ” you really mean that??” because I hardly ever say things in that nature. Maybe I should start again and not be afraid of such rejection due to my past and significantly my ex.  Speaking of ex; this year my restraining order is over and Im just mind blown that two years are about to go by.  Two years of the most confusing, draining, embarrassing moments in my life. I feel as though Im barely getting in control of what I lost, closed off to, picking up broken pieces finally.  All in all, its time to work on me

-Jess

Lock and Loaded

thelove

I’m lost.

Today I found myself reading articles about mishaps in relationships. Why partners get angry so easily, why some of us take the aggression and deal with it, what makes our partner make us feel like a boxing bag? It got me to thinking where my head is, where my thoughts are while figuring out how I need to feel.

At some point I felt hurt, mad, and almost embarrassed that I let myself feel the emotions I should not be accepting. I feel so cut short for being able to express the things that I want to but dont do it just to avoid some argument. Infact I personally dont take it as an argument but taking it as working on communicating the dos and donts for future causes. I sort of want to take action to seek my old therapist again in times like these….but I’m trying my hardest to challenge myself to work around it.

What exactly is going on? Well … I feel unappreciated in a couple levels especially feeling unheard which leads to feeling misunderstood.  The day closes and I feel as though I cannot reopen the issue because well whats the point? I do bad, I do good, I dont do good but I do bad again. I feel like a pretzel being twisted in directions while the knots continue to go around me. I know this isnt a good feeling so how do I get rid of it?

I want to talk to Mo when she is feeling open and is being sweet. I want to touchdown on the ” whys” more so than anything else. I want her to understand that I’m also in this relationship and I should be treated with respect. I start to get quiet when I know she is in the wrong and I refuse to be weak. I get quiet when she lashes out at me or starts pin pointing all my faults as though she has ZERO and Im already accepting defeat. How much more can I bare of this embarrassment?  I shouldn’t take such hostility especially from someone who claims that they love me.  I wouldn’t dare ever talking to her the way she talks to me. I know Im better than that but why cant she see it too?

For the most part I only feel this way when shes upset and its time for her to showcase everything that Im doing wrong.  I can never say or express where she is at fault 100% of the time because it begins a ” I can never win with you” stem by her.  When in reality… shes being very inconsiderate.  I refuse to give up on her the countless times she has done me wrong with unreasonable motives.  But she gives up on me in an instant, right there, right in front of me to assure me that she is in control and she doesnt need me. I begin to wonder what truth is really underneath it all? I guess thats the part that haunts me in the back of my mind. What triggers me is her usual ” The door is open. Im not stopping you. Leave. Im clearly not going to chase you. Im tired of this”  iwhile its distressing to take because I want to reciprocate back due to my defenses building up; but I dont because I never have given up on her even the amount of times that I did want to leave…..but didn’t. Nobody deserves to be shoved like they are nothing while considering the amount of love, care, and hope they hold onto for someone they are in love with.  Any kind of feedback she gives me right or wrong; I take it and grow from it. Just last month I got in a pickle with her thinking that I didnt want her going out and not accepting certain friends. Yesterday I began to talk about that certain friend and behold it became an issue when she got mad at me. When am I ever in the clear then? It seems impossible.

I then get an apology or I can sense that this anger of hers doesn’t really stem from me but from everything else around her. However in doing such thing, I already have been shut down emotionally by her and it has started to make me feel powerless and unwanted.  This is where I begin to feel the things I first described in the post including the questions in my head.

Will I ever regain from this? I love her. I care for her dearly. I pain when shes not okay. I hurt when shes hurting. I have never felt this way about anyone before. The way I feel about Mo comes with pure sincerity. I want to show her how sweet Iam. How thoughtful Iam.  How creative Iam. How much more I can give her….  but these little mishaps make me feel like Im not enough and maybe Im not whom she needs or wants…

I really hope that I’am wrong and I can feel assurance that this woman loves me unconditionally as I love her while accepting that we all have hurdles and maybe this one is a gigantic one. But I deserve some respect and stop being treated like a shitty person thats worth nothing.

-Jess

My Umbrella

5 more days until our vacation!

I have vowed to work on a different template and to actually post more almost everyday.  Its time for me to have a set agenda for things going on in my life and perhaps after we get back home I can start.

ALSO

my favorite bands in the world are finally ON TOUR! I get to see Interpol this Saturday along with The Killers ( TWICE) next year and finally WALK THE MOON. God knows I need a new concert memory with WTM. My ex totally ruined the first time of me going and this second experience is going to be a lot better.

Cannot wait

-Otter Jess

Yes Absolutely

its been awhile.

 

Its not that I no longer want to write or got tired of it, I just have been so busy this past month with work and planning vacation in some weeks that I don’t have anything MAJOR to blog about. My addiction to REDDIT has been real and deep! Mo says Im addicted to it so bad as her mom is to Twitter. ITS THAT BAD FOLKS!

Babe had her interview this morning for a promotion at her job and even if she doesnt get it ( hoping she does though) I just want her to know how proud Iam of her. Out of 44 candidates only 2 will make it. Good luck my Panda bear!

In other news Anna comes next year in FEB! I cannot wait. I love that girl so much and finally she will meet Mo and tell me what an upgrade Ive made in all levels. Jokes aside, my relationship overall surpasses any past Ive had with anyone. However since this is my second attempt of being with a girl ( after promising myself never to date a girl again thanks to the monster)  I have found love am keeping it and will forever be thankful for it. I finally am happy. We all deserve to be happy..

Im a bit sick with the cold awaiting for Mo to get off work as I search for restaurants to celebrate our one year anniversary next week!

Happy Otter,

Jess

4 more weeks until Seattle and Portland!!!!!!!

While Im ecstatic about my trip. I would like to say that I do these roundtrips every year. Ive been travelling to the NW since 2007!   All these folks or people that travel to the NW all of a sudden are just a bunch of bandwagoners. You can tell from the genuine people that want to travel to the people who do it because its ” cool” and a trend.
Get outta here!